Drinking gin straight
At night
In the nude
In my bedroom
The tired morning awaits.

My stomach churns
Grimace on my sweaty face turns
Into expression of concern
and what one never learns
Is that I will always have burns.

I waited for that look
When I know I've got you
Under my thumb
and you're a sook

You put up fronts
I know where you're vulnerable
I know the weak points
I know that look
When you give in..
When your heart caves in.
Your heart caves in.

I've just noticed
I've been bouncing my knee
for hours, bordering on three
Been twitching too.
I threw myself at you
You let me drop
Collapse in on myself.
I wish I could fall further away
beneath the stone.
I plunged my pride
into your indifference
and you enveloped it inside
your unresponsive hole.

We looked at the tables.
Reshaped our lips
raising your eyebrows
then letting them relax
um and ah-ing
then a decisive nod
Does it really matter where sit?

Then we sit
but we don't share
each other's stare.
We assumed we came together
sat together
and talked together
ate our meals together
and when we spoke about our lives
we laughed and related to situations
and when we thought
we shared a smile
we were actually alone
and when we left
holding each other's arms
we were going in opposite directions.

I wanted us to be together
I wanted to be a part.
I will never be able to get her
We will always be apart.

But you've given me something
that will be with me forever
You've given me something
that will never leave

Thank you. No, thank you!
I was so empty
before I met you
Thank you thank you
for filling my days with darkness
filling my eyes with tears
filling my heart with tears
filling my soul with pain
filling my entire being to the brim
with useless thoughts of black decay
making my bright vision so grim.
Once more I must
thank you very much
I don't know what I would be without you
I shudder to think what I would be without you
O without you..

I lowered myself.
Oh how I loathe myself.

You used to be beside me
Now it's besides me.
You used to lay beside me
Now you say besides me.

Follow your instincts and don't lie
If you want to get back to reality.
I don't like this particular reality of mine
Estranged mind, body and soul.

No one wants to drink from the well of tears:
When the feelings halt, it all turns to salt.
When the fickle trickle dries
Nothing grows in salt
Everything dies.
I need some freshwater
Rain, rain, rain
cleanses the
pain, pain, pain.

You slouch at the dead centre of my heart
YOU, and all your mates
I only know how to make guilt
not make love
I have no love
I never did
just a little starvation
and malnutrition
starved for affection.

I lowered myself.
I loathe myself.
I'm in love with myself.
I lowered myself into your heart
Your heart is a grave.
I lowered myself into your heart
and into my grave.

© Magnus O'Pus 2013